meditations, #1

by essayan hart

the moment i left work i knew something was different. my toes were buzzing, my ankles electric. i wasnt tired, or sad. i thought about her, and then thought about g-d (not the god of your fairytales, my own, my own dear friend) and i placed them, one above the other in a sacred pyramid.

i am never alone, never lonely. the stars shake their bodies with laughter when i walk by. the trees dress themselves against the sky. i am awake again, and the elements have come to congratulate me.  they know themselves in my walk, not my walk, but the walk of a body forgetting its captor. the walk of a body stepping back into the divine script. this (i) carried around on my shoulders, some dumb weight, slipped away in the slightest shrug.  destination? unknown.

remember which foot you enter the bathroom with. notice which foot goes first when you leave your home. in each moment of noticing, mutter a prayer of thanks, of wakefulness.  this is witnessing.  becoming awake.

i once told a seeker that if you stood on your head at the same moment every day, no matter where you were, or who you were with, it would change your life immeasurably, and for the better.  it takes bravery to be eccentric. it takes discipline to challenge the ego. developing a muscle is a practice in repetition.

i am not so brave. i no longer fall on my knees in submission to the divine the instant i am terrified by my own lost thoughts. art school was a good place for that, and back then, i would have done anything to become sane. we lose our way because we are drunk with joy, lost on our way to the best party ever, we stray from the path, stumbling through the essence. i am lost, but i am not losing.  i am foolish, and human, but i do not err.

forgive yourself first, then turn to others.  turn to the ones you love, the ones who are easy to forgive. the child biting your finger. the friend who is always late.  only then can you turn towards the unknown.  the imagined enemy, the dangerous ones.  forgive them without reservations. forgive them as deeply as you can forgive the one you love most.

rinse, and repeat.  every day deeper.  every day more ignorance is cast aside.  this is the garment you must cast away. it is the color of the evening sky. its is perfect there, on your shoulders. as you realize this however, it might vanish into the greater twilight.

….

im reminding myself to tonight, because i feel something returning.  or something slipping away.

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